50 shades of shut the fuck up about this book i’ve read better smut written by virgin teenagers for free
- It’s called Master of the Universe.
- It was originally published on Fanfiction.net (aka where fanfiction goes to die).
- E.L. James’ pen name was Snowqueens Icedragon because of course it was.
- Snowqueens Icedragon does not use quotation marks.
- She does, however, make up expressions like "my very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba" and “I can almost hear his sphinx-like smile through the phone.”
- They spend more time filling out sex-related paperwork than they do actually having sex.
- This is my reaction to all of the sex scenes:
- Because the human body doesn’t work like that.
- This is my reaction to everything else:
- Because the english language doesn’t work like that.
The 50 Shades of Grey trailer just dropped, so here’s a link to the original Twilight fanfiction that the book is “based” off of, because if you’re gonna read the book before you see the movie you might as well read it in its original format.
i got through three pages before i had to stop or risk throwing my laptop across the room
he makes bella blam just from blowing on her titty
OH MY FUCKING GOD
"Whipped cream or chocolate sauce?"
"Come sit on my lap."
"I can't stop thinking about your hands on me."
"My thighs can be your earmuffs."
"God, you look good."
"Come here, baby."
"Come here, daddy."
"Give me a kiss."
"Your mouth looks great all pink and swollen."
"I could really use a fuck right now."
"We can take a quick shower."
"I could give you a massage, if you want."
"You're so cute I could just eat you up."
"Would you prefer lingerie or a collar?"
"Hey, I'm open minded."
"Are you sure that's safe?"
"Silk or lace?"
"I want to be sore."
"I don't have a gag reflex."
"What flavour condom do you like?"
"We have time to kill; you know what that means."
"Beg for it."
"You look super hot from down here."
"You look super hot from up here."
"Someone's happy to see me."
HAVE YOU EATEN RECENTLY?
ARE YOU HYDRATED?
IS THERE MEDICATION YOU NEED TO TAKE?
HAVE YOU LAUGHED TODAY?
FRIENDLY REMINDER BECAUSE I KNOW I NEED THEM EVERY SO OFTEN.
ALSO HERE HAVE A KITTEN:
YOU I ACTUALLY FORGOT TO TAKE MY MEDS TODAY
this is the third time this post has reminded me to take my meds
we’re all gonna die
dude i haven’t had any water today or taken my meds thank you for this post
Georges son calls from Hogwarts on the first day of school terrified and keeps asking if George is okay, he reassures him that everything is alright but asks why he would ask that. Georges son explains that he thought he had died because he could have sworn he had seen a ghost that looked just like him joking around with the older students
STOP DIS RIGHT NOW
first of all, fuck you
Imagine a universe where
actually became good friends with
decided, instead of using his own
daughter for the chimera experiment…
WOW THAT IS EVERY SINGLE KIND OF NOT OKAY OH MY GOD
It started off nice
and now I want to throw you off a bridge
#YOU COMBINED THE TWO FMA NO-NOS #HOW DARE YOU